Article from Woman. ng 

Lately, I have been giving a lot of

thought to the issue of marriage.

Perhaps it’s the fact that my brother

recently got married, or the fact that

this year is my 10th wedding

anniversary, either way, reflections on

the topic of marriage have taken up a

bit of space in my mind and I have

decided to do a few posts on it.

They say love is blind, but only a

young inexperienced person will

make the decision on whom to marry

solely on the basis of love. I like to

say that love wears glasses and

contact lenses.

One important ingredient for

increasing the likelihood of your

marriage success is marrying your

own kind. Gasp! In this day of inter

marriage where colour and tribe don’t

matter, only a closed minded person

will say that right? Wrong. It depends

on what your definition of your own

kind. By your own kind, I mean

someone from a similar kind of

background as yourself.

Two weeks ago while I was getting

my hair done in preparation for my

brother’s wedding, I got talking with

the lady doing my hair. She

mentioned that there was an African

restaurant in Frankfurt where you can

get authentic cuisine in an authentic

African atmosphere – you sit on the

ground and you eat with your hands

in that restaurant. So I said why the

sitting on the ground, she said it’s

just like in Africa, where we sit on the

ground.

So I told her wait a minute, did you

sit on the ground and eat in your

own home, to which she answered

yes now. “they would call us to eat

and we would go collect our food and

find some spot on the ground to eat.

Of course, she did not believe me

when I said that we always ate on

the dining table, and with cutlery,

except when eating “okele”. We even

used to eat at the dining table in my

grandparents’ home, and I have very

fond memories of my grandparents’

dining table.

Now, there is absolutely nothing

wrong with eating on the floor as

opposed to eating on the dining

table, but she was so sure her

experiences growing up were the

experiences of every other African, as

I was about my own experiences. We

are both Nigerians, but come from

different worlds. For me, I had never

really thought of a dining table as

anything special until that point, and

I just ended up keeping quiet having

learnt something new.

It’s the closed almost incestuous

world of the African middle class,

which makes us not really ‘see’ the

millions who are not living like us.

For me, it took moving to Europe to

start to really think about the plight of

those millions, even though I am not

from a rich family and my parents are

very compassionate people who

helped others where they could. It

could have something to do with the

fact that I moved abroad in my

teenage years, but anyway, that is

not the focus of this post.

Someone I know is married to a man

who has told her before that she

pretends to be someone she is not

putting on fancy airs. Tell me if the

lady above were to meet and date

someone from a background like my

brother, wouldn’t there be a sort of

disconnect? Wouldn’t she accuse

him of putting on airs at some point?

Or if her brother married a lady from

a different of background, wouldn’t

her in laws accuse her of being

proud and thinking she is better than

they are? By the way, I have seen

such scenarios play out.

Or a completely banal example from

my own life, growing up, and my

parents took us on picnics and to

zoos and parks. One of my fondest

childhood memories is a picnic with

friends at the zoo in Makurdi where

we lived at the time. My husband’s

parents didn’t really take him out like

that, so when 5 years into our

marriage we started having children

and I would expect him to go out on

the weekends with us, he was having

none of it and it was a bitter point for

me that I was the one going all about

with my kids alone, which was

completely different from how I grew

up.

One day, after I had managed to drag

him with us by fire and brimstone

and he enjoyed himself, he confessed

that he wasn’t really used to that

type of thing as his parents had lots

of obligations while he was growing

up that did not allow for that type of

family outing. Now, I understand

where that’s coming from and I don’t

take his reluctance personal any

longer, but it took a while for us to

get there.

So in saying marrying your kind, I am

not talking about race or tribe, but I

mean marry someone who is from a

similar sort of background as

yourself. I am not there if you as a

middle class Nigerian marries an

oyibo who is either from a

dysfunctional home or who places

Africans in a certain box, because

they will treat you that same way. Or

if you being Yoruba woman from a

monogamous harmonious home

decides to marry a Yoruba man from

a dysfunctional polygamous home, or

one with absent parents, or one

where the man is god. Or you being

from a strongly Christian or Muslim

home decides to marry someone who

comes from a family where their

religious beliefs are diluted with a bit

of voodoo etc etc.

It’s more efficient marrying someone

of a different culture or tribe who

shares a similar background than

someone from the same state who

could as well be from mars while you

are from Venus when it comes to

their values and how they think.

Those differences may seem trivial at

first, but the longer you stay together,

the more you will see circumstances

and situations pop up that were not

envisaged and where only having

similar outlooks or a strong ability to

compromise can get you through

easily.

Having met my brother’s wife and in

laws and seen the ease of interaction

between the two families, being that

the backgrounds are so similar made

me wish for the same for everyone

else that I know who is still

searching.

Anyway in conclusion, if you decide

to marry outside of your

“background” both social as well as

economic, make sure that you are

entering the marriage with a lot of

compromise, and if you are female,

with a double dose of compromise.

You might think you know everything

about your partner, but believe me,

10, 15, 20 years down the line, new

situations might arise, where you will

be shocked at your partners

approach. Don’t say I didn’t warn

you o!